“Don’t think for one second, because I stay silent and don’t react to your bad behaviour, that I don’t know what your agenda is. I allow you the space to think you are more intelligent than me. While I focus on being a better human today that I was yesterday, you are busy corrupting your soul.”

I wrote this message a few months ago. At a time where I started to notice that some people in my life were professing to care and have my well-being at heart, but found out soon after that they were lying and manipulating situations. Now this isn’t a new phenomenon to me. It’s something my Petey-senses have been experiencing for quite some time. But there has been a whole new level to it since I became a carer.

As well as create my crazy doodle art, I am a carer for a wonderful man who has Parkinsons and dementia. Caring is the most fulfilling role I have performed in my life. When I say perform, I do mean that in the Shakespearian sense. We are all performing. The birth, life and death of our human entity, and the transition of our soul from this existence to the next, are totally separate from the societal expectations of our existence. So we perform a task, a role, a duty to get us through so we fit in. We blend. We are part of things. We become something for the sake of connection and purpose.

My new performance is as a carer. And I hope I perform it very well. I do love it. And the clients approve of me and my strangeness being in their lives. But we have to be so so careful that as we perform for others. As we contort to the expectation of society and others we don’t lose ourselves, our soul and our own calling, in the process. We have to be vigilant and self aware.

On my 50, sorry fifty …. you have to write numbers out don’t you!? For the literary critics and wordsmith elitists. On my fifty years on this planet, I have noticed that the more you care, the more you do for people or someone, the more they take and expect. So it’s very important we notice in ourselves when we are giving more than we should allow.

I started this blog post with a negative thought in my mind, but I want it to be a positive one instead. Trying to show my mental state improvement or something.

You have to manage yourself. Sense when you are experiencing a negative experience from an interaction and adjust your own level of commitment. Centre yourself and don’t think, because someone is taking more energy from you, that it necessarily them. You may be giving more than you should and your gut, your survival instinct is warning you that you may need to adjust.

Listen to your warning signs. Take charge of your instincts and feelings.

The reason this is turning into a positive post is; I reacted to something this morning without taking the other persons situation into account. It felt toxic and destructive, so I adjusted my thoughts. I sat back, saw the whole thing from the perspective in contraction to my own, and it became clear.

I needed to take ownership of what I was experiencing and not project into the other person. I spiritually apologised for having those thoughts and I reacted more in tune with the flow of the situation. No in resistance.

BTW, if you’ve known me in my past, up to being 40, sorry forty years old, you would think that someone else is writing this. Before that age, I was angry, impulsive, destructive and depressed, and I took the people around me down with me. I wasn’t a lovely person to be around.

So why am I rambling and telling you about the past? No agenda really, the writing, and my brain flowed in that direction so I typed it out.

If I was to say anything as a conclusion it’s … give yourself time to experience the world. Take in negativity, toxic peoples behaviour and learn from it. Don’t react as I used to do. Time is the most precious thing we have. Use it wisely. Appreciate yours and other people’s time and relationship to it. Your past is a block of time you can constantly reflect on and learn from. Share it with others and teach with.

My past is something I have used as a way of navigating the world, but I should leave it where is belongs, but don’t forget it.

Anyway, if you feel people, are behaving badly …. don’t react immediately. See it from their perspective. Or another perspective, if possible. And then, if their actions still feel less than positive, make a decision. Do you want to share your time with those people? Do you really need them in your life? Are they always going to be that way? If so, then react. But only to the nourishment of your growth and your soul.

Look at me trying to sound like I know anything. I don’t, I am work in progress. I know what I know now, and even that I am not sure about.